an expat feat: How to make friends when you first arrive
The first time I moved abroad, all alone, was at the tender age of sixteen. I boarded a plane that took me 5,000 miles away from my hometown in Italy, to complete a high school exchange year in Canada. Since then, I have done it over and over again. First for university and then for work. I have lived in six different countries across four continents, moving back and forth every couple of years.
One might think that after doing it for so long, settling in a new place would become second nature. And yet, I am always confronted with the same creeping feeling that for some reason, this time will be different, in the worst kind of way. This time, I won’t be able to make any friends. I will be forced into a hermit role, pining over cheerful groups of friends that I spy through the stained glass of my fortress of solitude.
Thankfully, this has never been the case. And yet, every time I move to a new place, I find comfort in going through my list of five ways to meet new people. Just to make sure I cover my ground and quiet my anxiety! I am now based in New York City, a place where I had to use all these five tips to create a dependable social life for myself.
Tip 1: reach out to friends of friends
The first thing I do when moving to a new place is brainstorm who in my circle of friends might have a connection to my destination. I go through my contacts on social media, WhatsApp, or old-school telephone book, and look up anyone who has a bond with my new home. I inform them about my upcoming move and ask them to put me in contact with any friends, acquaintances, or connections that they still have there. This is the easiest way to have some coffee dates, lunches, or outings, set up even before landing! In my experience, not all of these first associations graduate to real friendships, but they are key to tempering the initial feeling of loneliness. And if they become full-fledged friends, all the better!
Tip 2: take advantage of work/school colleagues
I always moved to a new city for work or school, meaning that right off the bat, I would meet new people in the office or in the classroom. For many of us, colleagues or classmates are inevitably the first people we meet. I always make an effort to connect with some of them outside of working hours. It is easy to organize after-work drinks or meals and get to know them socially. In time, there will be a natural selection, and only the colleagues with whom I find a natural connection will stick, and that is totally fine. This approach, however, will ensure that I won’t feel lonely in the first weeks/months in a new city and a new job.
Tip 3: Meet up websites and apps
An absolutely great resource to meet new people is all the websites and apps that are dedicated exactly to that: helping us meet new friends (not for dating). When I first moved to New York City, I used the Go Find Friends website, which worked great for me. I was really careful to choose a platform that discouraged any ambition of dating because that was not what I was interested in. The concept of this website is quite cool and easy: you write down an activity that you would like to do (i.e. visit a museum) and interested people can sign up and come with you. Because I wanted to discourage dating, I came up with the nerdiest activity I could think of (visiting a J.R.R. Tolkien exhibition in the Morgan Library & Museum). Four years later, I am still friends with the people I met on that very first outing! Of course, I am always careful to pick activities in public when meeting new people for the first time. There are a lot of other apps or websites, like MeetUp for example, and you can find a full list here.
Tip 4: Group Activites
Depending on where you are, joining organised group activities is also a great way to meet new people. For example in New York, the NYC Photo Stroll is a great option. This group organises walks through different neighborhoods and brings together photograph enthusiasts and people who simply want to explore the city and go for a stroll. It is a great way to meet new people whilst exploring your new surroundings. Even now that I have an established group, I would often call up a friend or two and join one of the strolls to meet new people and experience the city like it was the first time.
Tip 5: Join a class
Finally, another great way I found to meet new people is to join a class. This could be anything from a fitness class (i.e. Kickboxing or CrossFit have quite a cult following), a dancing class, a painting class, or even a book club. I wouldn’t necessarily suggest a language course to meet people, as I found that often attendees tend to get in and out of these quite quickly. More creative classes usually work best to continue the discussion over drinks or meals after the session is over! For me, I took up a martial art course and a creative writing class that I was interested in, and months after I concluded my participation, I still meet up with my former classmates to continue the craft or simply have a nice meal.
These are some ideas to face the daunting fear of making friends when first moving to a new place. Of course, depending on your actual location, some options might be available rather than others. That is why I would strongly promote the first two options that are possible in every context. Good luck!
